The call of duty camper; a common beast, but also a rare one, to nail down that is. Even more so the best ones. You see, they're not chatty types Cod campers. In fact to see one normally involves laying face up and being brutally tea bagged to the head having been sniped from a nearby bush. It was such a encounter that led to my meeting with the subject of today's interview, someone we shall refer to as Dick*.
(*Campers are commonly figures of hate in western society. As such, my guest has asked that I conceal his true identity out of fear for his family, friends and kill death ratio.)
Lazygamer: Dick, I'd like to applaud you for your bravery and take this opportunity to thank you for agreeing to do this interview today.
Dick: Cheers bro innit.
Lazygamer: Let's begin, if we may, by discussing our meeting last night on the popular call of duty: ghosts map, prison break.
Dick: Yeah that is a well good map.
Lazygamer: Hmm. I found it a little frustrating if I'm honest.
Dick: Why? Izit cos you iz well shit?
(Dick does this weird flicky thing with his fingers every time he gets excited. Just an observation.)
Lazyboyblue: Well no. Its just I felt a little like a fish in a barrel. Seemed like every time I turned a corner I had my head blown off by someone in the foliage.
Dick: Wot is a foliage?
Lazygamer: A bush Dick.
Dick: Oh right. Ha, yeah I love blowing noobs off in the bushes.
Lazygamer: (cough). Knobs?
Dick: Noobs. You know newbies. Like someone who hasn't had anything to sell and can't buy da game on launch day and as 'ad to wait till crimbo for it.
Lazygamer: So you were hiding in a bush when I found you....
Dick: I found you first (points an invisible rifle at my head and fires.)
Lazygamer: Whatever Dick. Exactly how long had you been in that particular bush hiding?
Dick: All the match. Well mostly, sometimes I crawl into that little sewer pipe and squat like I had taking a shit.
Lazygamer: Lovely. So that's a favourite part of the map for you? Don't you ever get tempted to try a different vantage point? Other parts of the map?
Dick: Other parts of the map?
Lazygamer: Like the tower for example.
Dick: There iz a tower?
Lazygamer: ok, let's move on shall we? Dick, tell me a bit about yourself. Where you're from? What's your home life like?
Dick: ???
Lazygamer: Do you have a girlfriend for example?
Dick: (scoffs) No!
Lazygamer: Does that question embarrass you? You look a little red.
Dick: Mum says I iz too young for girls.
Lazygamer: You're 45 aren't you?
Dick: yeah.
Lazygamer: This is a good start dick. Are you comfortable talking about some more of this more personal stuff?
Dick: I don't want to talk about my micro penis tho.
Lazygamer: O...K Dick. Sure let's move on. Do you have any pets?
Dick: Yeah I 'as a dog innit.
Lazygamer: Oh that's great. Tell me about your dog. I noticed how much your face lit up when I mentioned it. You must love your dog very much?
Dick: He iz my best mate tho innit. He iz my only mate tho innit.
Lazygamer: That must make you closer as a couple?
Dick: we isn't a couple like that.
Lazygamer: No, of course not. I didn't mean anything like that.
Dick: Me and him are partners.
Lazygamer: You spend a lot of time together then?
Dick: Yup, he iz with me all day and night.
Lazygamer: What kind of breed is he?
Dick: He iz a German shepherd. He's beautiful. He's my boy.
Lazygamer: You clearly love your dog. What's his name?
Dick: Riley.
Lazygamer: Dick, is your pet dog the dog in the game? It is isn't it? It's the dog in the f'ing game isn't it?
We had to stop the interview there because I leaped across the desk and strangled the sad camping bastard.
Some context. I suck at fps games; I love them, but I still suck at them. My kill ratio in my last match, on domination, in cod was 3-24. Battlefield I do a little better on because I can play the objectives, and yes, I am that guy that runs around the place holding his revive paddles instead of his rifle. So basically, imagine giving chimps rifles and sending them to war and right there you have the gist of my skills at fps games.
And then a voice boomed down from the heavens and said, "STANDBY FOR TITANFALL."
Titanfall rides in on one hell of a hype train. It's not only the first, long awaited, game from the creators of Cod 4 modern warfare, its heralded as nothing short of 'the saviour of the fps genre' and also serves as Microsoft's 'great hope' in their search for a true must have system seller for Xbox One. In short; it has a lot to live up to.
Whether or not Titanfall cuts the mustard against any of that hype that will come down to personal opinion. All I'll say on that is make your own mind up. You're going to see reviews, you're going to see blog posts like this one and you're going to hear the thoughts of your friends. But here is the thing. They are all going to be different.
Titanfall is a game that is as much about what you bring into it as much as it is about what you will get out of it. If, like me, you struggle to climb the leaderboards on these online shooters, then you're going to love Titanfall. On the other hand, if you're someone who is used to dominating matches online, then you might be a little disappointed.
You see, what Titanfall does well, really well, is bring players together. This is a game about equals. It's a game that puts nothing above fun. You can finish top in a Titanfall match like any other shooter, but no one is going to dominate and likewise nobody in a match is going to be left feeling that they are just there as fodder for the best players. It's a game about balance. It's a game about fun.
Is Titanfall going to be everyone's cup of tea? No way. Not even close.
But have it from me; whether you have crazy mad fps skills or you are a chimp with a rifle, if you can leave those at the door and take the game for what it is, then you will have fun. And after all; isn't that the point?
New details have emerged regarding Hideo Kojima's next metal gear installment.
Keep your save games from Ground zeroes because they will carry over to Phantom pain. There will also be some kind of content reward for those that do.
The Playstation exclusive mission Deja vu will be part of the main package and not DLC.
Konami has made the decision to split ground zeroes and phantom pain because the latter is tasking so long and they want the fans to have a chance to play it as soon as possible.
The popular base building elements of peace walker won't feature in ground zeroes but will return in the Phantom pain.
Right now Microsoft are undeniably in a bad place with Xbox One. I won't go into the reasons, the why's the what for's, because they're pretty well documented by now I think we'd all agree.
Now some tabloids would have us believe that Microsoft will simply look to sell off the Xbox division and return to solely to their roots in software development. But I don't buy that.
Microsoft are hurting at the moment. That much is clear. But this is one of the worlds top trading conglomerates we're talking about. No; make no mistake, there will be a well planned fightback.
With that all out of the way, the question that remains is - where exactly does Microsoft go from here?
Well, luckily for Microsoft, there is another company out there who has suffered a similar fate, faced all the same PR troubles, had the same negative press. But, most importantly, they came back. Yes, it took them seven or so years, but they managed to shrug it all off and return to the top. That company, of course, is Sony.
When Sony launched the PS3 they were in trouble from day one. They were late to market with a product that was challenging to develop for and lacking a design philosophy as forward thinking as their rivals.
Now I can debate the wrongs and rights of Sony's policies at that time till the cows come home, but why bother? The fact is they ended this generation in first place. Fact. They sold more consoles than their competitors in the end.
So can the key for an Xbox one comeback be found in Sony's ps3 revival?
As things stand now, I see a lot of Sony in the past in the Microsoft of the present. They are a company on the ropes. Their inferior xb1 specs have them flailing the arms in pointless defence of basic graphical shortcomings when their attention should be in other areas. Microsoft, as far as who has the most powerful product, well let's say that horse has already bolted. Move on. This really shouldn't be the focus right now and the situation takes me back to Sony defending the ps3 with talk of spu's and what not. "But the cloud!" Is the new Xbox motto, but such things are smoke and mirrors and most people see through that.
Microsoft need to move on - and fast.
1. EXCLUSIVES. They're already on the right track here. Games like The last of us and uncharted were vital to Sony's ps3 revival and the likes of Titanfall and Dead rising 3 are a good start on the same path. Dead rising 3 is a good example because it's a title that seems underwhelming in the resolution and fps areas yet looks still to be a really great game. If its 720p and 20fps who cares as long as its fun and you're playing it on the only platform you can?
2. TV AND MEDIA. This is important to Microsoft but of less importance to the average gamer. I'm not saying they should scrap their plans to make their own TV content, but scale it back some and move some of the budget back to where its really needed - the games. Alternatively, use it to offset some of the manufacturing cost and get that price down.
3. BE MORE APPROACHABLE. Sony have worked miracles in the image dept by adopting a gamer first persona with gamers feeling comfortable chatting to executives like best friends on social media.
4. APOLOGISE. Microsoft messed up in a big way with the whole DRM scandal, but worse still, they upset their customers. Even worse in my opinion, they still carry on like the public didn't know its it own mind and they still act like their DRM scheme was anything but a shameless attempt to carve themselves a bigger slice of the cash pie.
They need to put this to bed once and for all and the only way to do that is to apologise. That and promise never to put their own needs ahead of the consumer ever again.
Can Microsoft do a sony and turn the next gen race around? Let me know In the comments I'd love to hear your opinions.
Nobody knows why but Warner Bros recently pulled Lego Marvel super heroes from the launch roster for Xbox one. Bizarrely, no other versions, including ps4, were affected, just the new Microsoft platform.
Now, in another odd twist, Warner have reinstated the much anticipated title back to is original November 22nd release date.
I can't fathom the trouble Warner Bros had with the game but they appear to have corrected whatever that might have been.
If you're getting an Xbox one and you're a Marvel/Lego fan, then enjoy your game.
Who's more excited about tonights all access launch show? Nobody.
Here's how I'd like Yoshida and co to lay it down.
Hideo Kojima announces exclusive PlayStation content for ground zeroes. Damn it - and phantom pain too. Greedy is how I roll.
Naughty dog are in New York. Officially, they're at the party to show off dlc for the the last of us. But if that's all they are there for then feel free to hurl rotten eggs at them. I want a ps4 reveal or stop wasting our time.
A new release date for Drive club (sorry #DriveClub - whatever).
The order. GAMEPLAY PLEASE.
The fabled VR headset revealed. Let us have some details Sony. Headsets like the Oculus rift are the future and I want to see PlayStation jumping into the project both feet first.
Some kind of demo with Jack Tretton fumbling round the stage like a kid at a piñata party would be welcome and amusing.
A game from out of nowhere. Shock me Sony, show me something I didn't know anything about, and let it have zombies. I like zombies.
Lastly; a personal request. I really want to buy a pulse headset. Please say support for it is in the launch update. Please?
