Monday, 17 February 2014

World Exclusive: A Call of Duty camper interviewed.

The call of duty camper; a common beast, but also a rare one, to nail down that is. Even more so the best ones. You see, they're not chatty types Cod campers. In fact to see one normally involves laying face up and being brutally tea bagged to the head having been sniped from a nearby bush. It was such a encounter that led to my meeting with the subject of today's interview, someone we shall refer to as Dick*.

(*Campers are commonly figures of hate in western society. As such, my guest has asked that I conceal his true identity out of fear for his family, friends and kill death ratio.)

Lazygamer: Dick, I'd like to applaud you for your bravery and take this opportunity to thank you for agreeing to do this interview today.

Dick: Cheers bro innit.

Lazygamer: Let's begin, if we may, by discussing our meeting last night on the popular call of duty: ghosts map, prison break.

Dick: Yeah that is a well good map.

Lazygamer: Hmm. I found it a little frustrating if I'm honest.

Dick: Why? Izit cos you iz well shit?
(Dick does this weird flicky thing with his fingers every time he gets excited. Just an observation.)

Lazyboyblue: Well no. Its just I felt a little like a fish in a barrel. Seemed like every time I turned a corner I had my head blown off by someone in the foliage.

Dick: Wot is a foliage?

Lazygamer: A bush Dick.

Dick: Oh right. Ha, yeah I love blowing noobs off in the bushes.

Lazygamer: (cough). Knobs?

Dick: Noobs. You know newbies. Like someone who hasn't had anything to sell and can't buy da game on launch day and as 'ad to wait till crimbo for it.

Lazygamer: So you were hiding in a bush when I found you....

Dick: I found you first (points an invisible rifle at my head and fires.)

Lazygamer: Whatever Dick. Exactly how long had you been in that particular bush hiding?

Dick: All the match. Well mostly, sometimes I crawl into that little sewer pipe and squat like I had taking a shit.

Lazygamer: Lovely. So that's a favourite part of the map for you? Don't you ever get tempted to try a different vantage point? Other parts of the map?

Dick: Other parts of the map?

Lazygamer: Like the tower for example.

Dick: There iz a tower?

Lazygamer: ok, let's move on shall we? Dick, tell me a bit about yourself. Where you're from? What's your home life like?

Dick: ???

Lazygamer: Do you have a girlfriend for example?

Dick: (scoffs) No!

Lazygamer: Does that question embarrass you? You look a little red.

Dick: Mum says I iz too young for girls.

Lazygamer: You're 45 aren't you?

Dick: yeah.

Lazygamer: This is a good start dick. Are you comfortable talking about some more of this more personal stuff?

Dick: I don't want to talk about my micro penis tho.

Lazygamer: O...K Dick. Sure let's move on. Do you have any pets?

Dick: Yeah I 'as a dog innit.

Lazygamer: Oh that's great. Tell me about your dog. I noticed how much your face lit up when I mentioned it. You must love your dog very much?

Dick: He iz my best mate tho innit. He iz my only mate tho innit.

Lazygamer: That must make you closer as a couple?

Dick: we isn't a couple like that.

Lazygamer: No, of course not. I didn't mean anything like that.

Dick: Me and him are partners.

Lazygamer: You spend a lot of time together then?

Dick: Yup, he iz with me all day and night.

Lazygamer: What kind of breed is he?

Dick: He iz a German shepherd. He's beautiful. He's my boy.

Lazygamer: You clearly love your dog. What's his name?

Dick: Riley.

Lazygamer: Dick, is your pet dog the dog in the game? It is isn't it? It's the dog in the f'ing game isn't it?

We had to stop the interview there because I leaped across the desk and strangled the sad camping bastard.

Sunday, 16 February 2014

What is Titanfall like if you suck at Call of duty?

Some context. I suck at fps games; I love them, but I still suck at them. My kill ratio in my last match, on domination, in cod was 3-24. Battlefield I do a little better on because I can play the objectives, and yes, I am that guy that runs around the place holding his revive paddles instead of his rifle. So basically, imagine giving chimps rifles and sending them to war and right there you have the gist of my skills at fps games.

And then a voice boomed down from the heavens and said, "STANDBY FOR TITANFALL."

Titanfall rides in on one hell of a hype train. It's not only the first, long awaited, game from the creators of Cod 4 modern warfare, its heralded as nothing short of 'the saviour of the fps genre' and also serves as Microsoft's 'great hope' in their search for a true must have system seller for Xbox One. In short; it has a lot to live up to.

Whether or not Titanfall cuts the mustard against any of that hype that will come down to personal opinion. All I'll say on that is make your own mind up. You're going to see reviews, you're going to see blog posts like this one and you're going to hear the thoughts of your friends. But here is the thing. They are all going to be different.

Titanfall is a game that is as much about what you bring into it as much as it is about what you will get out of it. If, like me, you struggle to climb the leaderboards on these online shooters, then you're going to love Titanfall. On the other hand, if you're someone who is used to dominating matches online, then you might be a little disappointed.
You see, what Titanfall does well, really well, is bring players together. This is a game about equals. It's a game that puts nothing above fun. You can finish top in a Titanfall match like any other shooter, but no one is going to dominate and likewise nobody in a match is going to be left feeling that they are just there as fodder for the best players. It's a game about balance. It's a game about fun.

Is Titanfall going to be everyone's cup of tea? No way. Not even close.
But have it from me; whether you have crazy mad fps skills or you are a chimp with a rifle, if you can leave those at the door and take the game for what it is, then you will have fun. And after all; isn't that the point?